Bullying Hurts

I was in the sixth-grade bathroom when someone grabbed me from behind. A second girl stopped fixing her hair so she could wave her hot curling iron very close to my nose and say something threatening. Pulling free, I grabbed the curling iron, saying, “Stop.” I don’t remember what happened after that. Except that, when I got home, I couldn’t hide the burns on my hand from my mom.

She was on the phone with the school as soon as I spilled the beans. I didn’t tell her or anyone else that this wasn’t an isolated event. The curling iron was the culmination of years of being a target. Being tall for my age, with red hair and a poor kid’s wardrobe, resulted in endless name-calling, exclusion, and taunts.

The official definition of bullying is any unwanted aggressive behavior that involves a power imbalance. The aggression repeats or is likely to repeat. Behavior can be direct, like pushing, hitting, spitting, tripping, taunting, mean notes, name-calling, or gestures. Indirect unwanted aggressive behavior includes spreading rumors, telling others to exclude someone, or posting embarrassing images.

Power imbalance is real or perceived. It might be a difference in physical size where a big kid targets a smaller kid or an outnumbered child. Sometimes the power imbalance comes from differences in race or ethnicity, poverty, popularity, or disability. Someone who has a weapon automatically has more power than someone who doesn’t.

You can spot bullying by looking at expressions, body language and noticing the general atmosphere around youth interactions. You won’t have to look far. In 2019, about 22% of students 12-18 years old reported being bullied at school. Sixteen percent of high schoolers report being cyberbullied. However, many are reluctant to report bullying. Most often, that reluctance stems from not wanting to snitch or tattle. Many are afraid of retaliation and lack confidence that and adult will act.

However, bullying has real consequences both for the bullied and the bullies. Being bullied increases the risks of depression, anxiety, panic disorder, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts or attempts. They can experience headaches, stomach pains, sleep disturbance, and appetite changes. They can have problems with schoolwork and eventually start to act out.

Bullies themselves are more likely to get into trouble for fighting, stealing, or vandalizing property. They are more likely to drop out of school, use alcohol or tobacco or carry a weapon. Bullies also have increased risk for suicidal thoughts or attempts.

Bullying is not a rite of passage. There are better ways to build character in our youth. Parents, schools, and community members all have roles in reducing bullying. Things that reduce bullying are building self-confidence in youth, having supportive parents, and having consistent and affectionate parent-child interactions. Schools can provide opportunities to help youth develop friendships and encourages inclusiveness. Engaged and responsive teachers and staff are protective factors. All of this supports safe schools for everyone.

Communities with safe neighborhoods and opportunities for positive connections between youth and adults are important. Communities that promote non-violence as a cultural norm reduce bullying and violence. Every community member can take small steps to set this cultural norm that says we help one another and we do not tolerate violence in any form, including bullying.

After the curling iron incident, I don’t recall the bullying getting any better. I also don’t recall it getting any worse. At that point, I was thankful. I’d had low expectations. The years of adults who saw the bullying and said nothing, did nothing, sent me a loud message. I was different. There was something wrong with me. I deserved it. All of it.

As an adult now, I know that isn’t what those teachers and staff meant. It still wasn’t right. It still wasn’t what I needed. What I needed – what every bullied kid needs – is for the adults to walk the walk. Intervene when bullying happens. Call it out for what it is. Declare bullying is not acceptable in our schools and our community. Demonstrate positive relationships between peers. Help show that difference has value; that we are better and stronger when we respect each other. We owe our kids to do what is right, even when it is hard.

To those who get bullied right now: I see you. What is happening is not okay. I am sorry. This, too, shall pass. It is worth hanging on. It is worth reaching out. Reach out until they hear you. Reach out until you get the help you need.

For help for youth with bullying, visit https://www.stompoutbullying.org/

You can also contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org

For more information about what you can do about bullying, visit: https://www.facebook.com/cumberlandrivergreendot or https://www.stopbullying.gov/

To request training for your business, organization, or group or to volunteer, contact Cumberland River Green Dot at 606-528-7010 ext. 124.