COLUMN: 10 Tips for Fantasy Football Success

From the Sidelines, appearing in the September 9, 2015 edition of The News Journal:

My fantasy football league just had its draft the other day, so I thought that I would take the opportunity this week to give my official tips for fantasy success.

First tip: Draft a good quarterback. Andrew Luck, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers. All of these guys are good options and should result in decent point production each week.

Second tip: DON’T draft a player who is suspended, seriously injured or has been waived by his team. Being the pro that I am, I successfully acquired in my draft a running back who apparently isn’t even currently an active member of any NFL roster. FYI, draft picks such as this are not likely to bear much fruit for you and your fantasy squad.

Third tip: Find a crystal ball and use it to peer into the future in order to determine which completely unknown running back from an obscure school that nobody has ever heard of will come out of nowhere to post unbelievable numbers about midway through the season. Once you make this determination, draft that player. He will come in handy later.

Fourth tip: Pray. Pray that every single one of your receivers don’t go down with terrible, season- ending injuries. Pray that the tight end you drafted gets a few balls thrown his way. Pray that whoever you have in your flex position ends up being a total stud. Pray for the opposite of these things to happen to whoever you happen to be going up against on any given week.

Fifth tip: Listen to your gut. Is it telling you to start somebody that you’re not too sure about? DON’T HESITATE! If you leave them on the bench, they are SURE to go off and post out-of-this-world numbers. Just do it! Put them in there!

Sixth tip: Forget the fifth tip. It never fails… Every time I pull somebody out of my starting lineup because I have a “feeling” about another player on my bench, it hardly ever works out. As sure as the world turns, I will end up asking myself, “Why did I overthink it? Why didn’t I just leave things alone?”

Seventh tip: When things actually DO work out perfectly in your favor, gloat. Gloat a lot. Strut around the office, school, your house, wherever, and act like you are a fantasy genius. It is very likely that you will come crashing back down to earth in a few days’ time, so savor this moment. Really rub it in your friends’ and loved ones’ faces.

Eighth tip: Always be open to any trades that other league members might propose. You never know when you might stumble upon the trade of the century and pick up the one guy that is for sure going to put your team over the top.

Ninth tip: Don’t trade. It probably isn’t going to work out the way you think it will…

And finally, the tenth tip for fantasy success: If somebody claims to be an “expert” with this kind of thing, chances are they are about to steer you in the exact wrong direction 99.9% of the time.

So, there you have it! My official tips for fantasy football success. Best of luck to all of the fantasy managers out there. You’re going to need it!